I Like to Say Yes

I like to say yes.

The first reason I like to say yes is because I love learning new things. I think continuing to learn is one of those innate reasons that led me to become a teacher. My friends call me the Google Queen because if I ask a question and nobody knows the answer, I want to find out what it is.

The second reason I like to say yes is because I want my voice heard. If changes are coming down the pike, I want my voice to be part of the implementation. I want to be able to say what I think is good for the kids and what is not so good. Sometimes this gets me in a little bit of hot water, but at least my voice gets heard.

A third reason I like to say yes is because of the kids. Sometimes I can really see why we are doing something and how it will benefit the kids, so I jump right in to see what will happen if I give it a go. Other times it's because I disagree with the benefits for the kids. I feel like somebody has to speak up for them if a new initiative is going to make them more of a number than a little person. (See above in regards to getting in hot water!)

I've also come to realize that I said yes to escape. When things were not so great at home I said yes because yes kept me busy. Yes kept me at school in meetings or working on tasks. Yes kept my head and my hands busy even when I was at home. Yes was a great way to throw myself into something useful and beneficial while avoiding everything that was going wrong.

My answer was also yes because a lot of times many other people's answers were no. So many times I said, "I'll help if you need me to, but if somebody else wants to do it, please pick them." And there were just no other thems to pick.

There have also been many times where the yes wasn't my yes; we affectionately call it being "volun-told" to participate. The latest happened this past school year when I finally said no to something and received an email that started, "You administrator believes that you would be a valuable contributor to our conversation. We will be meeting..........." It's flattering that my voice is valued, but even when I say no I still somehow end up saying yes.

Now that my life is a little bit different, I've been working really hard to balance my passion for learning, my love of being involved, and the feeling that I don't want to / can't do everything. In our latest summer assignment from Unshakeable by Angela Watson, I read about establishing healthy habits and determining what matters most to me. She recommended asking these questions before deciding to take on a task:

• What would happen if I didn't do this?
• What will happen if I do it later?
• How long will it really take me to handle this?

Now, these questions were specifically meant to help teachers prioritize the work they need to finish for their classrooms while handling all of those unexpected things that pop up during the day. But the first question really struck a cord with me.

What will happen if I don't do this?

It's a really interesting question to ask yourself about a lot of those things that we seem to make into "must dos" in this day and age. There are so many things that it will apply to, and I really want to make it into my question. It's not that I don't want to keep saying yes, I just want to say yes to those things that REALLY matter to me. I guess that'll be my next step: deciding what really matters.

One Lucky Girl

This.

And this.

The eagles' nest is at the very top of the center tree.

And this.

Canadian geese - momma, poppa, and babies floating by

And this.

What is all of this? It's my front yard. Okay, well, technically I have to walk all of 2 minutes if I want to get there the illegal way (down over the railroad tracks) or 4 minutes if I want to do it legally to get there, but it really is right in my front yard.

It's my happy place.

It's the Susquehanna River.

People knock the river all of the time. With Three Mile Island just a couple of miles upstream, another power plant at one end of town, and the county incinerator at the other, people tend to think it's pretty dirty and disgusting down here. But that's not the case at all. I'm certain there is more we could do, but right now the river is thriving pretty well.

This morning I rode my bike for maybe 15 minutes, and at the end of those 15 minutes I got to see two fledgling bald eagles messing around by their nest. I also got to see Mom or Dad come in and drop off their brunch. As I was watching the eaglets, a family of Canadian geese floated down the river, and a great blue heron flew by. I also got to see a small raccoon, and that did concern me a little bit. Little bugger didn't look sick, but he definitely shouldn't have been out at 11:15 am. 

Then I peddled back and stopped to enjoy the views from the White Cliffs of Conoy and a small little fishing spot where the Conoy Creek flows into the Susquehanna. It was a beautiful morning, and it made me realize how lucky and happy I am to be where I'm at.

Today's good news was tempered with some bad, though. My parents had to put their sweet kitty Jane to sleep. I swear Jane was a dog in a cat's body; she loved to be the center of attention, loved to be brushed, loved to be held, and loved loved loved nothing more than to sit on my parents' deck and watch life go by. It definitely will not be the same at their apartment now that Janie got her wings, but my bike trip this morning reminds me that there is always a circle of life. As tough as it is, leaving is as much a part of life as arriving and living, and we have to take her spunk with us as we keep going.

So I'm lucky -- I get to live in this beautiful place, feel all of these emotions, and keep on keeping on. What makes you a lucky person today?

What I Believe

This weekend was a great celebration - my friend's birthday, Father's Day, my "little" brother turned 40! There were lots of opportunities to spend happy times with people and reflect upon how far I've come personally. I'm so looking forward to continuing to grow this summer, both personally and professionally.

One of the things I read in my assignment from Unbreakable was the idea of having a mantra; something that acknowledges the challenges that you face but also reminds you of all of the positive things that you've got going on.

Even thought it wasn't remotely part of the assignment, I decided to go ahead and write my own mantra. While Watson included one in her book that was very good and definitely applied, I just felt it was important to put my own spin on it. She recommends reading it every day, and I'm thinking about hanging it on the wall next to my desk after I finish all the final touches. But for right now, here's the first draft of my mantra. What will yours say?

I have wanted to be a teacher since I was 7 years old. I always pictured myself growing up, getting married, teaching kids, and having kids of my own. While my picture looks very different than I expected, one thing is true. I have worked extremely hard for all that I accomplished, and I'm proud of myself for who I am today. 

Sometimes it seems like there are so many things out of my control, and a lot of them are. But I control how I decide to react to all of those things. Professionally I must always put my kids first and be present for them. For some, I am the most positive influence they have in their life, and they depend upon me to be in the moment with them. I will continue to do the best I can (which may not be perfect, but it's still pretty darn good) for each of them. I will try my best to communicate with their parents to show them how much their children accomplish and how much potential they have.

I'll never get away from giving tests or covering some of this ridiculous curriculum, but I do have the power to help my kids have all of the tools they need to feel like they can do their best. I'll make sure my kids know exactly how much I care about them as people, not as test scores.

And finally, but most importantly, I respect and care for myself. I am strong. I finished the Gretna Gritty! It's okay to be afraid, but I can't let fear keep me from trying new things that have always had the excuse, "That looks like fun, but...." I will be happy. I will be healthy. I have the power to do all of these things.

Choice

So it's only been 5 days since my summer vacation, and I've already learned quite a few new things.

1. Sticking tile to a backsplash really isn't that hard. Bending to stick the tile on the backsplash yes, actually sticking it on, no.
2. Sticking tile to a backsplash is a lot easier when you have a friend who is willing to do all the tricky cuts for you!
3. You can rent a tile cutter for $10.
4. Using a tile cutter in your newly sealed driveway ruins the pretty color.
5. Scrubbing said driveway helps a little, but not as much as you would think.
6. Going to the zoo with your mom and dad is fun, even if you're almost 42.
7. It's WAY harder to clean the grout off the tile than they make it look.
8. Sometimes you just have to depend upon yourself.
9. It's always my choice.

You probably noticed a little theme through my little list of learnings, and as you probably guessed I did a little tiling for the first time. I'll be quite honest - it looks pretty sweet. It's definitely not perfect, but I did it with the help of my friends, and I'm pretty proud. While I have always been confident in my school life, I am not always so confident in my home life. There were several times while I was working that I thought, "I can't do this!" or, "This is never going to work!" or, "Oh crap - I have totally messed this up." This negative self talk has kept me from doing a lot of different things in my life because of a fear of failure. It's something that I've been working on a lot with my counselor, and tiling the backsplash was one of the goals I had set for myself. In addition to all of the little tidbits I already listed, doing the backsplash helped me with two other things:

• It's okay to ask for and lean on somebody for help.
• Things don't have to be perfect to look nice. 

So while I still have to finish sealing the grout and putting the covers back on, here is some of the work on the tile!

Numbers 8 and 9 probably don't make much sense in the grand list of new learnings from tiling, especially since I already said it's okay to lean on somebody for help. But last year I depended upon a friend to help me get to the gym everybody. As sometimes happens in life things change, and while I'm sad about it, our daily gym trips just aren't going to happen this summer. So hence my learning for #8. I have to do it myself.

That kinda ties in nicely to #9. It has to be my choice to be healthy, and I can't depend upon anybody else. As part of my summer learnings, we are reading the book Unshakeable by Angela Watson. While I haven't gotten very far into it (and I'll honestly say, I don't think the first assignment really goes with what I read), I can say that it has been phenomenal in reminding me that everything is my choice, particularly how I look at and deal with situations. While my required postings are very specific, I'm hoping that I can use this forum to talk about what I've learned and how I can use it in my classroom. 

So three weekdays in, and I've already learned a lot. Hopefully I will continue to make the choices that help me learn and grow all summer long.

It's Been A While

Are you singing that song in your head now? If you are, I'm sorry for the ear worm. If it's any consolation, I've given it to myself as well, so I'm singing right along with you.

It certainly has been a while since I've been here. Being a connected teacher was extremely important to me, but I've learned over the past year and a half that it was also one of the ways that I was escaping all of the difficulties in my "real" life. While I was really hoping to find a better balance between life, teaching, and my online presence, what I found was that I just couldn't do all three for a while. Unfortunately, that meant my online presence was the one that I could afford to let slip.

So what's happened since I've been gone? Well, a lot. But in keeping with my attempts at being the bigger person, let's just say that I have definitely gone ahead and upgraded, and others have, in some people's eyes, downgraded. I continue to wish him well and hope that he finds great success. But as time continues to march on, I drift more and more away from that old life and the ties that bound me to its unhappiness.

Professionally, life has been challenging as well. I found this really great meme the other day online:




Everything certainly look and feels the same, but I have definitely changed. I am no longer the one who needs to be responsible for making other people happy, and I am no longer the one who goes along with things just because it's what I'm "supposed" to do or because it'll make my test scores look good for my evaluations. I'm doing what's right by myself and what's right by my kids. I've already been "unfriended" (and I am definitely not just talking about Facebook!), but I'm okay with that. Those seem to have been the toxic people in my life, and not having to deal with them all the time has helped me be more positive and true to myself.

But I do find myself being more and more frustrated. I'm frustrated with the testing. I'm frustrated with my kids being a number, or a set of numbers, rather than a child. I'm frustrated with teaching to the test and not teaching kids to learn or be creative. I'm frustrated people who I used to see as trusted coworkers now seeming to be in it for themselves rather than being a part of a team. I'm frustrated that so much seems to be "out of my hands" and there's "nothing I can do about it," And I'm frustrated with administrators who shift on a whim and talk out of both sides of their mouth. All of this frustration has had me looking around thinking, "What else can I do?" "How can I teach kids, but not really be a teacher?"

So as I sit here pondering the "what should I do with my life question" for the umpteenth day in a row, I heard a ding on my school messager. It was a message from a coworker for whom I have the utmost respect. Her words were so kind and so humbling. And as I sat reading what she wrote and answering her, I received an email from a student. He is now teaching 4th grade in another local district, and he just wanted to thank me for all that I did for him. It's amazing how sometimes, in our greatest times of need, just the right people pop up to share just the words we needs to hear. I guess tonight was that night for me.

Maybe, just maybe, I am in the right place. I am doing the right thing.

New Beginnings

My one little word for last year was balance, and from the cobwebs around here it's probably kind of obvious that I crashed and burned on that word. The funny thing is that my word for 2013 was self, and that truly ended up being my word for 2014.

If you've been here for a while, you know that things have not busy easy for us. There has been a lot of loss and many challenges. Thankfully, we both finally seem to be rising above those losses and challenges, but unfortunately we've had to do so on our own. I'm so happy to tell you that Jerry's store is doing better than he imagined after only 9 months, and I'm hopeful that he can continue to prosper and be happy. He loves animals, and he is incredible at helping people take the best care of their pets that they can within their given budget. He is a great asset to our community, and I wish him nothing but the best as he continues forward on his journey.

It was hard walking away, but I came to realize that I could not do everything on my own, and I needed more. I took time this year, especially this summer, to go out and meet new people, to try new things, to eat new foods, to go to new places, and really grow as a person. In many respects I feel like I have failed, but with the help of a great counselor I'm realizing that these things that I'm seeing as failures are simply ways that my path was going off in a different direction than I had planned. I deserve the opportunity to explore these different paths to find which ones are best for me.

One of my favorite songs from many years ago said, "It's closing time, and every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." While 2014 was at times very sad, it has been a year of growth and exploration, and I am thankful that I was finally brave enough to look to an end and start a new beginning. It's scary because every other time I had an end on the horizon, I knew exactly what new beginning lay ahead. This time, not so much. So here's what I'm learning:

• It's okay not to be in control.
• It's okay to be impulsive and do something crazy.
• It's okay to spend some money on a splurge that will make a wonderful memory, as long as you're putting a little bit away for a rainy day.
• Sometimes people come into your life in the most unexpected way at exactly the right time.
• Sometimes you just have to have faith that everything happens for a reason and that everything will be okay.

2014 really was the light at the end of a very long tunnel. With all of this in mind, my word for 2015 is possibilities. I'm looking forward to seeing everything that the new year and my new life has in store for me, and I'm keeping my eyes and heart open for every new possibility.

Looking Back, Looking Forward

Last year I decided to make my One Little Word self, and I'm not going to lie - I didn't do a very good job of it. As I was reading through my reflection from last December I found that I really haven't come any farther from where I was last year at this time. Over the summer I did try and make some of those positive changes, but once again I allowed myself to feel as though things out of my control took away my choices (not true), I expected the negative (you get what you look for), and I put others needs ahead of mine because it was just easier and kept the peace.

The loss of Grandma in November, and the unexpected death of our dear dog, Maxx, just two weeks ago has made it challenging to think that there were positives this year, but there really were. 

• We have lived on one income, paid our bills, not added to our debt, and have been able to meet all of our needs and a want every now and then. 
• I started kayaking and found peace on the water. Right now I'm saving up to buy my own kayak so I can go whenever I want.
• Jerry's business has continued to grow and see success. As a matter of fact, he will actually be opening a new store in 2014.
• We were able to travel to Las Vegas for a trade show, and I was able to meet a dear online friend in person for the first time. 

I'm sure there were many other positives, but these are the big ones that stand out to me. They each bring a smile to my face, warm my heart, and make me realize how much I really do have.

As I've been thinking about my word for this year, one thing I know to be true is that I am often and all or nothing person. I feel like I have to be going all out in anything or everything I do, or I can't do it at all. Just like some of my through processes, it's so not true, but it's how I tend to approach things. Either I go all out or I don't go at all. This often means I'm putting all sorts of effort into one area of my life and completing ignoring the others, or it means I'm not putting much effort into anything at all.

With Jerry's store on the horizon I know I'm going to be taking on a lot more responsibilities here at home, and I need to recognize that I can't do everything perfectly. So with that in mind I've picked my word for 2014. 

BALANCE

I need to balance the realistic with the dreams, the light with the dark, the work with the play, the healthy with the having fun, my happiness with the happiness of others in the hopes that I don't let everything get me down and burn out. I have no idea what 2014 holds in store for us, but I do know that we can only continue the upward growth that we started to see this year.

Whether you do resolutions, pick you own little word, or skip all of that and just change full steam ahead, I hope that 2014 holds much love and happiness for you.