It Still Isn't Right

I had lots of high hopes for this school year. Two of the biggest were:

• I really hoped to be blogging more consistently this school year to share the great things my teammates and I were doing.
• I had really hoped to get back to my classroom before the end of the year.

Neither one happened. 

I was so SICK of being on the computer, I couldn't stand to be on it to type once my schoolwork was done for the day. While I was able to get back into my classroom, it was for a total of 3 hours and 20 minutes to get essentials and then to pack up for the summer. Definitely not what I had in mind.

People often say, "You teachers are so lucky because you have your summers off!" But what they don't realize is that while there is definitely some relief at the end of the school year, there is also grief. Saying goodbye to the kids, even the tough ones, is really hard. A little part of you goes with them, and that "family" that you had for the year is gone. And as silly as it seems, teachers lose part of their identity. So much of what we do during the school year is being a teacher, that it can be hard to remember who else you are and what else you need to or can do. I know I end up feeling lost the first few days of break. 

Often times, this end of year grief and feeling lost is easier to deal with. Antsy kids who are just ready to be free brings on that sense of relief that lessens the grief. Fun events like Field Day, assemblies, science outside, signing yearbooks, end of year picnics and parties, and other traditions add the final notes to mark the official closing of the year. Each of these steps helps your heart hurt a little bit less. They help you grieve and close the book on what was.

This year we didn't have any of that.

Instead we had a "Zoom Celebration Lunch" where we talked about the year and played "Would You Rather" as a group. It was so nice to see my kids' faces, and we had a wonderful time.

As happy as I am to be done with online learning, these past two days I have been struggling with an ending that, while nice, just wasn't quite right. For now I'll work through this latest ending, I'll figure out a new routine, I'll wait patiently to move to the "green" phase, and I'll desperately hope that this is not what my teaching will look like in August.