Words Matter

Participating in the 7 Habits training that goes along with the Leader in Me program we're implementing in my school has been life changing for me. While I have grown a lot this summer, putting these seven habits into practice has really been the icing on the cake of 4 long years of growth. I would say that the biggest change I've noticed in myself comes in terms of Habit 1: Be Proactive and Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood.

I know in the past there were days when I let my emotions get the best of me. I'm sure anybody who is a teacher can say that, or anybody who's a parent, or anybody who has to deal with any other human being if you want to be honest. We all have had those times where we have snapped at somebody for no good reason, we've yelled at somebody when they really weren't the person who caused our anger in the first place, or we've said or done things when our emotions were high that we looked back later and regretted.

I'm not sure why it took a 2 day training for me to stop and think about how these negative interactions were affecting the people around me, especially my students.

I'm not sure why it took a 2 day training for me to realize that the kids didn't deserve it when I snapped or was angry; they didn't make me do it.

It was all me. It was my choice.

That's kind of a crappy realization, and yet it's also a really powerful realization.

Having that a-ha moment has allowed me to be proactive when my students have me feeling a little frustrated. I'll actually tell them that I need to take a moment so that I don't respond in a reactive way. (What better way to teach them the habits than to model them myself, right?) I ask them to help me think about why I'm feeling that way. Both of these have helped me handle situations where I might have responded by yelling or snapping in a more proactive manner, and I feel like it has helped my classroom community be even healthier than I thought it was in the past.

The other thing I'm doing, instead of instantly blaming a child for their behaviors, is taking a minute to have a conversation that starts with one of these two phrases:

• Can you help me understand why you are (insert whatever it is the child was doing)?
• You look frustrated. Can you tell me a little more about why you are feeling this way?

I had a great opportunity to use these yesterday when I was on recess duty. I saw a friend sitting on the curb alone, hood pulled up over his head and covering his face. I went over to see what was up, and I had the opportunity to make a new friend.

Now, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this friend, if he were in my classroom, would probably be the friend who tries to see what buttons he could push. I'm guessing he stretches the rules as far as he possibly can, and I also learned (because he told me) that he can respond to his teachers in a pretty reactive way and probably can be, in his words, "yeah, a little disrespectful." So I get why he had a parent phone call coming his way.

At the same time, I met a very well spoken 4th grade for somebody who was able to rattle off the 7 different schools he's attended in his very short school career. I met a young man with an amazingly confident handshake, and he looked me right in the eyes when he did it. I met a young man who was able to tell me that he was mad that he got in trouble because his dad didn't sign something. I met a young man who felt like he didn't have any friends. And I met a young man who, it seemed, just wanted somebody to listen to how he was feeling.

I talked with him about trying to be more proactive and not so reactive when talking with his teacher and when doing things in the classroom. I'm not sure that will help - he seems like he has a pretty strong will. 

I also told him that if he ever just needed somebody to talk to, he could always come and talk to me. I may not always agree with him, but he could be sure that I would always listen.

Words matter.

Relationships matter.