Setting Priorities and Goals

I mentioned a few posts ago that I'm a yes girl. It's really hard for me to say no, especially when it comes to stuff that will let me play an active role in the changes going on in my district. I'm pretty positive.... scratch that, I'm absolutely certain that some people believe that I participate so often because I'm bossy, want things done my way, and have a big mouth. I hate that I come across that way, and I'm really working on fixing that (although I guess some people's perceptions will always be the same no matter what I do), but in my heart I know I do it because I want us doing what's best for kids.

Because of my tendencies to get involved in everything, I have definitely overextended myself at times. This has left me feeling overwhelmed, and I've often felt like I can do a few things great while leaving other things in the dust. To cope I rotated the things that were done well and the things that I slacked on in the hopes that eventually I'd do a good enough job at everything to keep having my voice heard.

A couple of things happened that have started to change that.

First, I have a new life. It sounds kind of dramatic, especially since I didn't have a life-threatening illness and nothing horrible has happened to me, but I really do feel like I'm living a totally different life since my divorce. As such, I actually like being at home.

Second, through no choice of my own, my teaching assignment has changed. When I moved to my new school 5 years ago, we were pigeon-holed into teaching only Social Studies and ELA or STEM classes. But after one year, my close friends and I recognized all of the transitions were horrible for our kids. We proposed that two of us would switch back to teaching all four subjects, and that proposal was accepted. It was fantastic to offer kids stability during a huge transition, and I still feel like it's the best thing for kids. Unfortunately, that program has ended, and this year I'll be teaching only math and science. While I'm trying to look at the positive and see this as the opportunity to ONLY focus on two subjects, my heart is breaking because I know kids will struggle this year because they have too many teachers and too many transitions throughout the day.

Third, I have stepped down from my position on the math curriculum committee. I was tired of being blamed for our grade level's poor PSSA scores. I was tired of being judged as somebody who couldn't lead a group of teachers. I was tired of being told one thing in one situation, and then being told in front of the group that the initial discussion never happened and I was wrong. While my learning during my time on the math committee was tremendously valuable, it wasn't worth some of the other situations I was dealing with. So I decided that it was time for a fresh set of eyes to take a look at things.

Fourth, I continue to read through Unshakeable by Angela Watson, and in it she reminds us that it is okay to say no. She encourages her readers to set priorities and goals. Obviously everybody wants goals to move towards, but Watson suggests using them as a framework for saying yes. If something meets your list of goals and priorities, say yes to it. If it doesn't, say no. People who care about you will understand the no, people who don't will judge you. But they likely would judge you no matter what, so it's always better to keep your well-being at the fore front of your mind.

So, here I am wanting to have more time at home, starting to only teach only 2 subjects, taking a huge responsibility off my plate, and learning more about setting boundaries. It seems like it would be simple for me to create my list of priorities and goals.

I have no idea where to start. Lofty versus manageable. Professional versus personal. Short term versus long term. Just like everything else, I'm making a list of priorities and goals that is way longer than is reasonable. So now I need to throw everything out on paper, really look at them, and think about what I really want to do this year. Decisions, decisions.

What are your priorities and goals for the upcoming school year? How do you limit them so that your time and actions can be meaningful and purposeful?

Tough Lessons

I think we can all agree that sometimes life teaches us the most important lessons in the toughest, most awful ways. Three times in the last few weeks I've been saddened by losses, and now that I can finally step back and look at the losses with a bigger lens I realize that I learned a very valuable lesson.

The first loss was the loss of my parents' dear cat, Janie. Now, I can already hear some of you starting that losing a cat is really not that big of a deal. And for you, that may be correct. But for those of us who love animals, losing a pet is really like losing a beloved family member. Our animals are the ones who love us unconditionally, never talk back to us or judge us, and are always there to greet us no matter how grumpy we are from a bad day. Her loss was especially bad because it coincided with my dad's birthday. I watched my mom and dad question their actions and what they could have done differently to prevent the situation.

The second loss was the loss of a beautiful young lady in my school district. I didn't know this girl, but her death has sent shockwaves through our community.

A final loss happened again to my parents. We thought we had found them a friendly, curious new kitten to fill the empty space left by Janie's passing. My parents and I spent about an hour and a half with her, my dad had named her, and she really seemed to be getting along with my mom. But through a very unfortunate event, that kitten passed away, too. For the next day all of us blamed ourselves. We didn't eat, we didn't really sleep, and we were constantly thinking things over. What we could have done differently? What we should have done differently? What would have made things turn out differently than they did? Unfortunately hindsight is always 20/20.... I absolutely hate it when people say it, but it is so true. We can always look back at a situation and think about what we should have done differently to get a more desired outcome. But the fact of the matter is, maybe that outcome that we wanted really isn't the one that we needed at the time.

So I mentioned that sometimes these awful situations help us learn valuable lessons. Here are my new learnings this week:

The first lesson I've learned is to follow my gut. In the case of both me and my parents, we each had that gut feeling about both cat situations, and we dismissed them. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. My gut typically gets things right, and I need to follow it a little more closely in the future. School wise, my gut has been telling me that is more important to focus on the kids and their well being than on test scores. This terrible tragedy solidifies this for me, and I am going to make it the focus of my year this year.

Another lesson is that we can't blame ourselves in many of these situations. We can "shoulda, woulda, coulda" ourselves until our hearts ache and until we feel like there is no way out. But the fact of the matter is that you can't ever go back in time and change things. There is always a reason we make the choices we make at the time we make them. We have to take what has happened, learn from it, and move forward (when we're ready) with those new lessons helping shape those steps.

What do you think are the most important lessons that you have learned from challenging situations? How have they shaped the person you are today?

Moving Past Fear

Dictionary.com lists the first definition of fear as

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

For a long time I let fear control much of what I did. Many of the fears I had involved others and what they might say or think about me as I was trying whatever task was at hand. I stayed way too long in a crappy situation because of my fear of being labeled a failure and because of my own belief that if I couldn't fix things then I was a failure. I'm not sure where this fear came from, and why I was so driven by what others thought of me (perhaps my own struggles with my self esteem?), but I was afraid to try so many things.

Then there were some fears that didn't have anything to do with other people. For as long as I can remember I have been afraid of thunderstorms and heights. My mom swears that my fear of thunderstorms comes from the day I was born. It was an unusually hot and humid day (which means it HAD to be bad if it was unusually hot and humid for a PA summer!), and that evening our area experienced some of the worst storms my mom can remember. It didn't matter what stories or scientific facts my parents told me about the thunder and lightning, if there was a storm I was sleeping on their floor. While I'm getting better as I get older, some storms still get my heart racing.

I'm not sure where the fear of heights came from, but it's pretty bad in some cases. I have a really hard time walking up steps with open backs. I can't stand on somebody's loft in their house and look down over their first floor. I love flying and roller coasters, but please don't ask me to walk up the steps inside the Statue of Liberty or get up on a ladder. Or on a step stool, really. Yeah - it's that bad.

I've had a pretty long bucket list to which I've kept adding instead of crossing off. Many of these items remained on the list because I've been too afraid of the task itself or of what people would think of me while I was doing it. Two examples include doing a mud run and going zip lining. My thoughts ranged from, "What would people think?" to, "I'm too big to do a mud run," to, "Zip lining sounds fun, but I'm too afraid of heights so I'll never do it."

Well, low and behold, with the right motivation I am discovering that I can overcome, or at least work through, my fears. When asked by an amazing young lady, I very quickly signed up for and completed a challenging mud run. It wasn't about competing, it wasn't about going fast, it was all about helping Sarina meet her goal. And with that single-minded focus I didn't really care how I did everything or what anybody else said, our group just made sure Sarina finished.

Zip lining wasn't quite so easy. There was no other person to focus on as I completed the tasks of climbing up onto the platforms, crossing the bridges, and jumping out into the forest. It was all about me, my willingness to trust that I'd be okay, and to not worry about what others might think. So as a special celebration for our birthdays, my friend and I signed up to go zip lining at Refreshing Mountains. My friend knew I was scared and offered to cancel, but I said no way. He constantly asked if I was okay and cheered me on as I completed each task. Our guides couldn't have been more supportive, nor could the family of five that were with us in our group. These three kids and their grandparents could have easily made fun of the lady who was chicken, but instead they celebrated each of my little victories, including the first time I stopped hugging the tree in the middle of the platform! Each jump and landing helped me build more and more confidence until I was able to complete the final task with just a little nudge from our guide. I'm still in shock that I did it, but I actually think I want to go back and try it again. We'll see. 

The fact is this: I crossed both of these items off my list. I did it! I still am afraid of heights, I still am not super confident in myself. But each little victory helps me believe more and more in myself and become more and more willing to try things that I once never thought I'd be able to do.

I Like to Say Yes

I like to say yes.

The first reason I like to say yes is because I love learning new things. I think continuing to learn is one of those innate reasons that led me to become a teacher. My friends call me the Google Queen because if I ask a question and nobody knows the answer, I want to find out what it is.

The second reason I like to say yes is because I want my voice heard. If changes are coming down the pike, I want my voice to be part of the implementation. I want to be able to say what I think is good for the kids and what is not so good. Sometimes this gets me in a little bit of hot water, but at least my voice gets heard.

A third reason I like to say yes is because of the kids. Sometimes I can really see why we are doing something and how it will benefit the kids, so I jump right in to see what will happen if I give it a go. Other times it's because I disagree with the benefits for the kids. I feel like somebody has to speak up for them if a new initiative is going to make them more of a number than a little person. (See above in regards to getting in hot water!)

I've also come to realize that I said yes to escape. When things were not so great at home I said yes because yes kept me busy. Yes kept me at school in meetings or working on tasks. Yes kept my head and my hands busy even when I was at home. Yes was a great way to throw myself into something useful and beneficial while avoiding everything that was going wrong.

My answer was also yes because a lot of times many other people's answers were no. So many times I said, "I'll help if you need me to, but if somebody else wants to do it, please pick them." And there were just no other thems to pick.

There have also been many times where the yes wasn't my yes; we affectionately call it being "volun-told" to participate. The latest happened this past school year when I finally said no to something and received an email that started, "You administrator believes that you would be a valuable contributor to our conversation. We will be meeting..........." It's flattering that my voice is valued, but even when I say no I still somehow end up saying yes.

Now that my life is a little bit different, I've been working really hard to balance my passion for learning, my love of being involved, and the feeling that I don't want to / can't do everything. In our latest summer assignment from Unshakeable by Angela Watson, I read about establishing healthy habits and determining what matters most to me. She recommended asking these questions before deciding to take on a task:

• What would happen if I didn't do this?
• What will happen if I do it later?
• How long will it really take me to handle this?

Now, these questions were specifically meant to help teachers prioritize the work they need to finish for their classrooms while handling all of those unexpected things that pop up during the day. But the first question really struck a cord with me.

What will happen if I don't do this?

It's a really interesting question to ask yourself about a lot of those things that we seem to make into "must dos" in this day and age. There are so many things that it will apply to, and I really want to make it into my question. It's not that I don't want to keep saying yes, I just want to say yes to those things that REALLY matter to me. I guess that'll be my next step: deciding what really matters.

One Lucky Girl

This.

And this.

The eagles' nest is at the very top of the center tree.

And this.

Canadian geese - momma, poppa, and babies floating by

And this.

What is all of this? It's my front yard. Okay, well, technically I have to walk all of 2 minutes if I want to get there the illegal way (down over the railroad tracks) or 4 minutes if I want to do it legally to get there, but it really is right in my front yard.

It's my happy place.

It's the Susquehanna River.

People knock the river all of the time. With Three Mile Island just a couple of miles upstream, another power plant at one end of town, and the county incinerator at the other, people tend to think it's pretty dirty and disgusting down here. But that's not the case at all. I'm certain there is more we could do, but right now the river is thriving pretty well.

This morning I rode my bike for maybe 15 minutes, and at the end of those 15 minutes I got to see two fledgling bald eagles messing around by their nest. I also got to see Mom or Dad come in and drop off their brunch. As I was watching the eaglets, a family of Canadian geese floated down the river, and a great blue heron flew by. I also got to see a small raccoon, and that did concern me a little bit. Little bugger didn't look sick, but he definitely shouldn't have been out at 11:15 am. 

Then I peddled back and stopped to enjoy the views from the White Cliffs of Conoy and a small little fishing spot where the Conoy Creek flows into the Susquehanna. It was a beautiful morning, and it made me realize how lucky and happy I am to be where I'm at.

Today's good news was tempered with some bad, though. My parents had to put their sweet kitty Jane to sleep. I swear Jane was a dog in a cat's body; she loved to be the center of attention, loved to be brushed, loved to be held, and loved loved loved nothing more than to sit on my parents' deck and watch life go by. It definitely will not be the same at their apartment now that Janie got her wings, but my bike trip this morning reminds me that there is always a circle of life. As tough as it is, leaving is as much a part of life as arriving and living, and we have to take her spunk with us as we keep going.

So I'm lucky -- I get to live in this beautiful place, feel all of these emotions, and keep on keeping on. What makes you a lucky person today?

What I Believe

This weekend was a great celebration - my friend's birthday, Father's Day, my "little" brother turned 40! There were lots of opportunities to spend happy times with people and reflect upon how far I've come personally. I'm so looking forward to continuing to grow this summer, both personally and professionally.

One of the things I read in my assignment from Unbreakable was the idea of having a mantra; something that acknowledges the challenges that you face but also reminds you of all of the positive things that you've got going on.

Even thought it wasn't remotely part of the assignment, I decided to go ahead and write my own mantra. While Watson included one in her book that was very good and definitely applied, I just felt it was important to put my own spin on it. She recommends reading it every day, and I'm thinking about hanging it on the wall next to my desk after I finish all the final touches. But for right now, here's the first draft of my mantra. What will yours say?

I have wanted to be a teacher since I was 7 years old. I always pictured myself growing up, getting married, teaching kids, and having kids of my own. While my picture looks very different than I expected, one thing is true. I have worked extremely hard for all that I accomplished, and I'm proud of myself for who I am today. 

Sometimes it seems like there are so many things out of my control, and a lot of them are. But I control how I decide to react to all of those things. Professionally I must always put my kids first and be present for them. For some, I am the most positive influence they have in their life, and they depend upon me to be in the moment with them. I will continue to do the best I can (which may not be perfect, but it's still pretty darn good) for each of them. I will try my best to communicate with their parents to show them how much their children accomplish and how much potential they have.

I'll never get away from giving tests or covering some of this ridiculous curriculum, but I do have the power to help my kids have all of the tools they need to feel like they can do their best. I'll make sure my kids know exactly how much I care about them as people, not as test scores.

And finally, but most importantly, I respect and care for myself. I am strong. I finished the Gretna Gritty! It's okay to be afraid, but I can't let fear keep me from trying new things that have always had the excuse, "That looks like fun, but...." I will be happy. I will be healthy. I have the power to do all of these things.

Choice

So it's only been 5 days since my summer vacation, and I've already learned quite a few new things.

1. Sticking tile to a backsplash really isn't that hard. Bending to stick the tile on the backsplash yes, actually sticking it on, no.
2. Sticking tile to a backsplash is a lot easier when you have a friend who is willing to do all the tricky cuts for you!
3. You can rent a tile cutter for $10.
4. Using a tile cutter in your newly sealed driveway ruins the pretty color.
5. Scrubbing said driveway helps a little, but not as much as you would think.
6. Going to the zoo with your mom and dad is fun, even if you're almost 42.
7. It's WAY harder to clean the grout off the tile than they make it look.
8. Sometimes you just have to depend upon yourself.
9. It's always my choice.

You probably noticed a little theme through my little list of learnings, and as you probably guessed I did a little tiling for the first time. I'll be quite honest - it looks pretty sweet. It's definitely not perfect, but I did it with the help of my friends, and I'm pretty proud. While I have always been confident in my school life, I am not always so confident in my home life. There were several times while I was working that I thought, "I can't do this!" or, "This is never going to work!" or, "Oh crap - I have totally messed this up." This negative self talk has kept me from doing a lot of different things in my life because of a fear of failure. It's something that I've been working on a lot with my counselor, and tiling the backsplash was one of the goals I had set for myself. In addition to all of the little tidbits I already listed, doing the backsplash helped me with two other things:

• It's okay to ask for and lean on somebody for help.
• Things don't have to be perfect to look nice. 

So while I still have to finish sealing the grout and putting the covers back on, here is some of the work on the tile!

Numbers 8 and 9 probably don't make much sense in the grand list of new learnings from tiling, especially since I already said it's okay to lean on somebody for help. But last year I depended upon a friend to help me get to the gym everybody. As sometimes happens in life things change, and while I'm sad about it, our daily gym trips just aren't going to happen this summer. So hence my learning for #8. I have to do it myself.

That kinda ties in nicely to #9. It has to be my choice to be healthy, and I can't depend upon anybody else. As part of my summer learnings, we are reading the book Unshakeable by Angela Watson. While I haven't gotten very far into it (and I'll honestly say, I don't think the first assignment really goes with what I read), I can say that it has been phenomenal in reminding me that everything is my choice, particularly how I look at and deal with situations. While my required postings are very specific, I'm hoping that I can use this forum to talk about what I've learned and how I can use it in my classroom. 

So three weekdays in, and I've already learned a lot. Hopefully I will continue to make the choices that help me learn and grow all summer long.